Core Bites: Why Am I Fat?

Today I am going to talk about weight loss and why it doesn't always have to do with opening your mouth and inserting. I have struggled for thirty years trying to lose weight and keep it off.
I seem to almost reach my goal and then something happens either to me or about me. Oops! There goes my diet, down the tubes. I just don't know what else to do. I am almost giving up. Oh, no please I can't do that! I don't want to even think like that because I know that it will be totally devastating to me and my life. I turn on everyone around me. I get just plain mean and ugly, not to mention I look mean and ugly. I get so unbearable when I struggle with losing weight. It's the worst feeling imaginable. It's like you are screaming and scratching and crawling to get out, but you keep slipping back, back into the black hole of fat. It's so discouraging, so depressing, so dark, and silent. It feels like you are inside this black cavern, but everyone can see in. They see you, the outside, but do they really understand what is going on in the inside? Can anyone who hasn't gone through this really have an ounce of compassion for me? Do they know the torture, the humiliation, the shame, guilt, and horror of having to function in a society that does not accept fat? Why doesn't it end? Why can't I finally just lose weight and go on with my life? Yes, it stops me dead in my tracks. I can see my life ahead of me. I can't seem to catch up to it. I know what my potential is. I know full well what I can accomplish. It doesn't seem to matter, though.
The fat remains. I remain fat. My world is fat. My dreams are fat. My clothes are fat. My food is fat. My thoughts are fat. My heart is fat. I am fat. Why am I fat? I hear people say, stop eating so much. It isn't about that. It really truly isn't about food. It's about why you eat, what you eat, and why you keep eating. The food is the tool, it isn't the cause. It's what you are doing to yourself. It's what you think about yourself. It's how you think about your life. You just can't get out of the fear, guilt, shame, call it whatever you want. That is what fat is. You eat because you don't know what else to do. You eat because, well, just because. Gee, maybe I should became a drug addict or an alcoholic. Would that be more acceptable? I think it would. That's what I sense. That's what I know.
Is there something wrong with me? Is the unfat spot in my brain broken or missing? Have the fat cells completely taken over like a hostile invasion? Do I have some crazy gene that has gone haywire and they haven't found a cure or haven't discovered it yet? What would it be called? Fattyitis or Blubber Syndrome, or Lardetes. Maybe it would be named after someone who was fat. Fats Domino's Disease or Rosie O'Donnell's Curse. There has to be an answer. Somebody has to know what needs to be done to help me to get this ton of heartache and pain off of my back.
You know what the real kicker is? I worked out 5-6 days a week at a fitness center.
I worked my butt off! Apparently it wasn't enough. I couldn't get the weight off. I tried strength training, cardio, aerobics, yoga, Pilate's, elliptical, but just couldn't lose the weight. I carried around extra weight on my stomach, back, upper arms that just refused to come off.
I tried interval training, long slow training, and mixing it up, with very little results. I ate organic, nutrient dense foods, paying careful attention to fats, carbs, proteins. I made a lot of my food, to make sure I knew what it contained.
I prayed, sweat, compromised, sacrificed, hoped, screamed, persevered, but it just didn't work. I took supplements that were natural, but helped with thyroid, metabolism, muscle development, energy, homeostasis, fat burning, hormone balancing, but no success. I tried stress management with EFT, meditation, deep breathing, hot baths with Epsom salts, and essential lavender oil, but none of it helped. Why? Why? Why? Could someone please tell me what I am doing wrong?
Could someone please help me? I am begging for an answer. I need some release, from these fat 'cells' that have me held prisoner. Does anyone have any comments, thoughts, suggestions, or ideas? Should I just give up? That seems like the only thing I haven't tried!

So, does that bring up any thoughts on your part? Do you, the ones who propose that the fat ones, just keep our mouths closed, have any clue about us yet?
For those of you who are in the fat club, then you will understand and submit to what I have described. It is our thoughts, actions, and feelings about being overweight.
I lived that for almost 30 years.
I finally realized there was so much more than keeping my mouth shut to lose weight. I had to find out what was preventing me from doing what I was almost obsessive about. I had to really dig deep to find the answers. It was not in any of the weight loss centers. No, it wasn't even at the fitness clubs I joined, hoping to sweat my way to thin.
It was in the most interesting place. I found it inside myself. I was the one that had the answer to my questions. What really drove me to find out, was finally realizing I was eating and not because of being hungry. I would be full and go into the kitchen, cleaning up the family dinner, and there I would be eating the leftovers. I don't mean tasting what was on the spoon. No, I mean standing there and eating spoonful and spoonful, not even tasting it. Just eating to eat. It was absolute insanity!

It just hit me, that starting a diet or exercise program was kind of jumping into the middle of what I needed and that was to find out what to do and then how to fix what I thought was broken. Sort of like having a driver's license before I started driving. So, I slowly developed a plan, kind of one step at a time, but it somehow started working for me.

Hey, this is supposed to be a quick bite, so next time I will cover some thoughts and ideas that worked for me. Take care and talk soon.

Judy